There was a lot of self-loathing and self-blame I had to work through in the beginning of all of this. It would have been simple enough to fact-check this claim– after all, April had done her fair share of catfishing in high school to who-knows-how-many people, many of whom I still know how to get ahold of.
But especially in those first few months, I almost believed it true. I hadn’t known about introjects, or how someone else’s character can become a member of my system. I’d thought that I had somehow brought this upon myself, for being so lonely and so gullible that I lost sight of reality altogether. And more honestly, I blamed Neb.
I came into this world nearly loathing Nebula Aonai. I didn’t want any further association with her, I hated being mistaken for her. What she had left behind for me to deal with is a toxic commitment and no idea how to live in the real world. I would off-handedly call her pitiful, dependent, spineless– but gods, in the situation she was in, which was arguably worse than what I woke up to, who wouldn’t seem so when they’re only trying to survive?
I was contacted by two different people from my hometown. I think my recent podcast interview with “Casey” jogged some memories, or I’m getting ever more vocal over time.
It’s always both validating and distressing for people to fill in the gaps of Neb’s life for me. Especially since I feel like I’m going through 13 tapes, but told in POVs other than Hannah Baker’s. It’s as if I’m investigating a tragic crime scene– but I know the identity of the perpetrator and they’re still at large, being commissioned by other abusers of mine and bitching about how terrible I was for not liking to eat soup.
‘KierPril’ would probably love being called a monster, being called terrifying, being called all of the things I’ve said in passing. ‘Liar’ is surely too redundant– they might think it’s their name by now. Calling them a manipulative predator about fits the bill, and just like the Faerie Fantasy House, I am far from their only victim.
There is a difference between consensually participating in a roleplay and being straight-up catfished, pricks. As myself and Kieran/April’s other victims have reminisced below…
It’s the same shit as Ash pretending they could channel Arannan, Rebecca, Elisabeth, and Isola just to force more bonds with me. They’ve been doing the same fucking thing. And as my tagline suggests, I fell for it!
T w i c e.
Myself and the person above both kind of feel like fools about it, to be honest. Especially since some of the stories from back then are uninspired weeb bullshit. There was literally a Vincent Valentine with a tragic backstory. April always talked about her ‘friend’ and Vince’s partner, Siah, who had tragically died in a drunk driving car accident while pregnant on Valentine’s day.
Chatting with this unnamed friend is also reminding me that April used to carry around a silver pocket watch with ‘Don’t forget.’ and the date inscribed inside.
Even somewhat more tragically, there was someone that Nebula used to consider close to herself. See, if anyone can remember back that far in my blogs, part of the reason Nebula grew to be so dependent on April in high school is because all of her other friends ‘abandoned her.’ I remember knowing how crushed Neb felt back in 2010 when she felt like she had no one. I still have archives of all the suicidal, lonely-ass poetry she wrote in her senior year and on. And having no one else but fucking April? I’d rather be locked in a room with flesh-eating insects.
Some of it has nothing to do with April. High schoolers can be fucking cruel.
And I had figured, before, that some people had dropped out of the friend group because of their inability to deal with April. I remember an all-out, dramatic war was began because April told one of Neb’s friends that ‘make-up makes you break out.’
But to know that at least one person wanted to be there but couldn’t be because of April’s made-up cult? Good lord.
Do you know how often April made Neb and I feel like shit because we didn’t have many outside friends?
And she was doing this the entire time?
I often wonder how Asra, Ash, Avery, Arkady, and March are doing with this upsurge of evidence and matching testimonies. Of course, I’ve never been shy about leaving screenshots. Especially with the Faerie Fantasy Household’s backing of April/Kieran. The petty side of me wants them all to feel foolish and be outed as bloody vile that commission.
I’ve mentioned that commission a couple of times. What am I speaking of?
Well, back in those mercifully brief (but somehow sadistically lingering) months of Avery living with me, they began a sentence with, “Hey, I know you didn’t want to know anything about what the household’s doing, but–” I visibly winced. If that wasn’t a prime example of what consent meant to them conversationally, I don’t know what was. “They commissioned [Kieran] for a ‘family portrait’ and made it their profile picture.”
I closed my eyes. I was paused at my box of Franzia, feeling from a distance multiple wounds breaking back open inside me. Underneath it all, I felt revulsion. It was gleeful support for someone they knew that had cracked my ribs. And now I’ve learned this person’s crafted world was having people in fear of their physical well-being and lives back in bloody high school.
I have no idea if you lot are still reading these blogs. At this point, I don’t care, because the victims are piling up and this damn-well isn’t only between us anymore. And as each of these spite-based alliances crumble– or don’t, most of you fucking deserve each other– I hope you feel bloody stupid. I hope that through these mountains of evidence I release, and will continue to release in every format possible as people keep coming forward, you realise you fucked up.
And I hope you realise that it’s gotten so large that no apologies or retraction or groveling will make this stop. As selfish as I am, I have long stopped doing this for myself. This is for the two unidentified folks above. This is for Visarden. This is for Aberle. This is for Harrow. This is for Nebula. This is for Oscar. This is for Spectre and their partner. This is for Casey. This is for Jane. Those that all of them lied about and harassed to further their controlling-ass delusions and probably more.
More interviews and podcasts on their way as more step up to collaborate.
Now, I need a drink.