What is this blog about? I’m Xanthe, the host of a Disassociative Identity Disorder system known as Living Fiction. There at least two sagas, possibly three, wherein the amnesia, inworld, and alters of my disorder have been taken advantage of to reinforce the lore of fantasy-based, abusive cults.
That seems kind of personal. Should I be reading this? I wouldn’t make this public and entetaining to consume if I were ashamed of what I’ve gone through. I’m more than willing to discuss what I’ve written here. If you’re related to me, I’d probably prefer you didn’t read this, as I can already tell that’d be an awkward conversation. But anyone else, go for it.
What is Disassociative Identity Disorder (DID)? Formerly known as “Multiple Personality Disorder,” it’s a disorder wherein through the ‘inworld’ and amnesic barriers, multiple identities can inhabit one body. A system is a group of alters that shares one body. I’m the host, Xanthe, which means I just happen to be out the most. I’m by no means the “original.”
Are you diagnosed? Not yet! On a couple of waiting lists, because people who specialize in the diagnosis tend to be scarce and I do want treatment. I don’t feel that I need a formal diagnosis in order to speak out about my experiences, because these are my experiences. I absolutely do not speak for anyone else with the disorder. DID is so incredibly different from one person to the next anyway. If you’ve found this educational, great, but it’s not what I intend. I’m just telling a true story, and my disorder is integral to that.
How did you find out you have DID? I’d had many theories regarding my ‘friends.’ At first, I thought they were simply long-distance friends that occasionally had supernatural powers. I also considered that I might have been speaking to those long-dead. Then, I thought they were in an alternate dimension that was moreso fantasy-aligned than this one, and that I could go freely between there and here. This was what Arkady and Ash reinforced, telling me that they had been to my inworld and had even personally interacted to my alters without me present. It was only after Ash had changed their tune and told me that I had ‘catfished’ them, with people that they had claimed to meet in person, that I began exploring the possibility.
What is an ‘inworld’? An inworld is an inner world where communication, conflict, and co-existence can take place within the subconscious between alters. If an alter is not fronting, they are likely in the inworld. Sometimes, they can be aware of what is going on in the inworld while on the “surface.” Anything that can happen on the surface can happen in the inworld. My inworld in particular seems very reflective of what’s going on above, which can make for some horrific scenes.
Who is the original? Bloody none of us, from the looks of it. A lot of us were created from the inworld (in that we have internal parentages and origins, generally fantastical in nature.) I have a different accent and body than the body. Xhaxhollari is one of the only ones relates to the body’s origins and parentage. Nebula was the host before myself, but I’ve no idea if she was the first. As it stands, my alters are definitely not ‘versions of me’, we’re all versions of someone else– someone that may have had the potential to exist, but didn’t.
What is the “April Saga” about? The April saga follows our collective interactions with “April”, one of the first people who used our system as a means of manipulation. The story goes back to Marysville, Ohio, in2008, when Nebula was still the host, all the way until the beginning of 2016. April was domineering and strict with Nebula, until I became the host in 2013, shortly after Nebula moved us to Savannah, Georgia, to be with April. April and I began dating and it became a nightmare of a relationship that I didn’t even want to be in. This series of stories tells the chronological events, and how she abused me, lied to me, manipulated me, and influenced my inworld.
What is the “Crosman Saga” about? The “Crosman” saga details my getting to know Ash and Arkady, which caused me to move from Savannah, Georgia, to Rochester, New York. I’d fallen in love with Arkady in 2018 and they seemed to be a very fine couple that was inviting me in to be part of their family. Even more than that, they claimed that they also interacted with people who didn’t seem human, and also went to other worlds than this. (Ash having been the Unseelie Fae King and Arkady being a vampire/elf/also Satan). Ash, in particular, even claimed to be able to go to my other dimension and would ‘channel’ my own alters. When Ash met March, who is a chronic liar, the house hierarchy shifted. When I was completely reliant on them, they insisted that I was entirely fabricating my worlds. When I finally resisted against the inhumane treatment, they completely ostracized me and continued to spread lies to this day.
Who is “April”? April is a codename for my worst abuser. Nebula, the former host, was best friend/servant to her before I took over and began dating her in 2013. Think Bosie Douglas mixed with Gone Girl’s Amy Dunn. Her stories not only highlight the horror of my situation, but her antics also add a comedic appeal. She has had immense influence on my inworld. I finally broke up with her in 2016, after she began blackmailing me with alters and loved ones of alters. She claimed she was a vampire and used to hiss at people in the hallways. Despite cracking my ribs, she’s insisted that I’m the abusive one?
Who is “Arkady”? Arkady is a codename for a recent lover of mine, that I met in 2018 and lost in 2020. We were deeply in love before his fiancé, who has a history of convincing Arkady he’s not ‘good enough’ for them, decided they didn’t like me anymore. This resulted in a year-long feud, wherein Arkady was pressured into taking their side, given as he had been financially dependent on them for the majority of his adult life. This has left me more than a little heartbroken, as he is also a system, and I’ve seen how the house he’s in treats systems.
Who is “Ash”? Ash is a codename Arkady’s fiancé, as far as I know upon writing this. They believe they are the Unseelie Fae King and, to reinforce this fantasy, have taken to claiming their peers and love interests are inhuman. They will do this by pretending to ‘channel’ the alters of other people, people’s departed loved ones, claiming to remember past-lives with people, and insisting that their species makes it physically unable to lie. They have also read my journals and acted as a type of ‘thought police’, and eventually went to April to verify how ‘crazy’ I am. They also claim to be a system, but I remain skeptical of the inconsistent details of the claim.
Who is “March”? March is the codename for Ash’s boyfriend, as of writing this. He has a history of lying about a psychology degree to counsel people into breaking up with partners he doesn’t personally approve of, making up a story about having a twin who tragically committed suicide, and that he has a Russian accent. He began dating Ash in January of 2019. From there, he held himself hostage with the threat of killing himself over the phone during a vacation, monopolized Ash’s time, and helped turn the household against yours truly.
Who is “Kieran”? A codename for April’s “twin brother.” Saying more would lead to spoilers, but there’s definitely quite a few things that run in that “family.”
Who is “Spectre”? A codename for a dear friend of mine that was also condemned by the household after Ash frequently begged them for sex. When Spectre expressed to Zara discomfort with this, Zara used the discomfort to lie about Spectre. Ash ‘channeled’ Spectre’s alter the same way they did mine.
Who is Zara? Zara is a transphobic manipulator that always loves to be the catalyst for drama. She went after me about self-harming, and then completely decided she hated me after I ranted about her in my private journals. She had done a similar witchhunt against Spectre earlier in the year. She’s powerless without a group of people surrounding her, and if you’re not a fan, you must be eliminated.
Who is “Avery”? Avery is the codename of an ex-partner of mine that I fell for in 2014, when I was still with April. Their heavily dysphoric, ableist, and anti-natalist beliefs, as well as gross treachery, led to our breakup in late 2020. They’ve been a talented catalyst, especially with how many times they’ve threatened to die spicing things up. They’re currently threatening to kill themself unless their GoFundMe goal is reached.
What is the primary goal of this blog? People with mental illnesses that cause them to question reality, such as people on the schiz, disassociative, psych, and bipolar spectrums are more susceptible to be brainwashed into cults. This has happened to me personally at least twice. More likely, three. I know I’m not the only one, especially after hearing about the infamous Final Fantasy House. I’m not even the only one that’s been the victim of Ash, Arkady, and March. I’ve spent most of my life in shame of my ‘other world’ and friends that may or may not be real, and taken advantage of because I didn’t know what was going on. I’m not letting that happen again, to myself or anyone else.
Any more questions/comments? Feel free to contact me at Clockworkfiction1822@gmail.com.