What is this blog about? I’m Xanthe, the host of a Dissociative Identity Disorder system known as Living Fiction. There at least two sagas, possibly three, wherein the amnesia, inworld, and alters of my disorder have been taken advantage of to reinforce the lore of fantasy-based, abusive cults.
That seems kind of personal. Should I be reading this? I wouldn’t make this public and entetaining to consume if I were ashamed of what I’ve gone through. I’m more than willing to discuss what I’ve written here. If you’re related to me, I’d probably prefer you didn’t read this, as I can already tell that’d be an awkward conversation. But anyone else, go for it.
What is Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)? Formerly known as “Multiple Personality Disorder,” it’s a disorder wherein through the ‘inworld’ and amnesic barriers, multiple identities can inhabit one body. A system is a group of alters that shares one body. I’m the host, Xanthe, which means I just happen to be out the most. I’m by no means the “original.”
Are you diagnosed? Not yet! On a couple of waiting lists, because people who specialize in the diagnosis tend to be scarce and I do want treatment. I don’t feel that I need a formal diagnosis in order to speak out about my experiences, because these are my experiences. I absolutely do not speak for anyone else with the disorder. DID is so incredibly different from one person to the next anyway. If you’ve found this educational, great, but it’s not what I intend. I’m just telling a true story, and my disorder is integral to that.
How did you find out you have DID? I’d had many theories regarding my ‘friends.’ At first, I thought they were simply long-distance friends that occasionally had supernatural powers. I also considered that I might have been speaking to those long-dead. Then, I thought they were in an alternate dimension that was moreso fantasy-aligned than this one, and that I could go freely between there and here. This was what Arkady and Rowan reinforced, telling me that they had been to my inworld and had even personally interacted to my alters without me present. It was only after Rowan had changed their tune and told me that I had ‘catfished’ them, with people that they had claimed to meet in person, that I began exploring the possibility.
What is an ‘inworld’? An inworld is an inner world where communication, conflict, and co-existence can take place within the subconscious between alters. If an alter is not fronting, they are likely in the inworld. Sometimes, they can be aware of what is going on in the inworld while on the “surface.” Anything that can happen on the surface can happen in the inworld. My inworld in particular seems very reflective of what’s going on above, which can make for some horrific scenes.
Who is the original? Bloody none of us, from the looks of it. A lot of us were created from the inworld (in that we have internal parentages and origins, generally fantastical in nature.) I have a different accent and body than the body. Xhaxhollari is one of the only ones relates to the body’s origins and parentage. Nebula was the host before myself, but I’ve no idea if she was the first. As it stands, my alters are definitely not ‘versions of me’, we’re all versions of someone else– someone that may have had the potential to exist, but didn’t.
What is the “Kirra Saga” about? The Kirra saga follows our collective interactions with Kirra Hines/Haretsu, one of the first people who used our system as a means of manipulation. The story goes back to Marysville, Ohio, in 2008, when Nebula was still the host, all the way until the beginning of 2016. Kirra was domineering and strict with Nebula, until I became the host in 2013, shortly after Nebula moved us to Savannah, Georgia, to be with Kirra. Kirra and I began dating and it became a nightmare of a relationship that I didn’t even want to be in. This series of stories tells the chronological events, and how she abused me, lied to me, manipulated me, and influenced my inworld.
What is the “Faerie Fantasy House” about? The “Crosman” saga details my getting to know Rowan and Arkady, which caused me to move from Savannah, Georgia, to Rochester, New York. I’d fallen in love with Arkady in 2018 and they seemed to be a very fine couple that was inviting me in to be part of their family. Even more than that, they claimed that they also interacted with people who didn’t seem human, and also went to other worlds than this. Rowan having been the Unseelie Fae King and Arkady being a vampire/elf/also Satan). Rowan, in particular, even claimed to be able to go to my other dimension and would ‘channel’ my own alters. When Rowan met Vali, who is a chronic liar, the house hierarchy shifted. When I was completely reliant on them, they insisted that I was entirely fabricating my worlds. When I finally resisted against the inhumane treatment, they completely ostracized me and continued to spread lies to this day.
Who is Kirra? Kirra Haretsu is my worst abuser. Nebula, the former host, was best friend/servant to her before I took over and began dating her in 2013. Think Bosie Douglas mixed with Gone Girl’s Amy Dunn. Her stories not only highlight the horror of my situation, but her antics also add a comedic appeal. She has had immense influence on my inworld. I finally broke up with her in 2016, after she began blackmailing me with alters and loved ones of alters. She claimed she was a vampire and used to hiss at people in the hallways. Despite cracking my ribs, she’s insisted that I’m the abusive one?
Who is “Arkady”? Arkady is a codename for a recent lover of mine, that I met in 2018 and lost in 2020. We were deeply in love before his fiancé, who has a history of convincing Arkady he’s not ‘good enough’ for them, decided they didn’t like me anymore. This resulted in a year-long feud, wherein Arkady was pressured into taking their side, given as he had been financially dependent on them for the majority of his adult life. This has left me more than a little heartbroken, as he is also a system, and I’ve seen how the house he’s in treats systems.
Who is Rowan? Rowan E. Janiszewski is Arkady’s ex-fiancé, as far as I know upon writing this. They believe they are the Unseelie Fae King and, to reinforce this fantasy, have taken to claiming their peers and love interests are inhuman. They will do this by pretending to ‘channel’ the alters of other people, people’s departed loved ones, claiming to remember past-lives with people, and insisting that their species makes it physically unable to lie. They have also read my journals and acted as a type of ‘thought police’, and eventually went to Kirra to verify how ‘crazy’ I am. They also claim to be a system, but I remain skeptical of the inconsistent details of the claim.
Who is Vali? Vali R. Janiszewski is Rowan’s boyfriend, as of writing this. He has a history of lying about a psychology degree to counsel people into breaking up with partners he doesn’t personally approve of, making up a story about having a twin who tragically committed suicide, and that he has a Russian accent. He began dating Rowan in January of 2019. From there, he held himself hostage with the threat of killing himself over the phone during a vacation, monopolized Rowan’s time, and helped turn the household against yours truly.
Who is Apollo? Apollo Hymn started out as a ‘twin brother’ Kirra had made up in order to pretend she was him and transition. Apollo lied to me about not being the same person. Apollo, often thought of an upgrade from his “sister”, was friends with me for an odd period when I lived in Savannah. He also had the tendency to lie and to be selfish, but I preferred his company to no company.
Who is “Spectre”? A codename for a dear friend of mine that was also condemned by the household after Rowan frequently begged them for sex. When Spectre expressed to Zara discomfort with this, Zara used the discomfort to lie about Spectre. Rowan ‘channeled’ Spectre’s alter the same way they did mine.
Who is Zara? Zara is a transphobic manipulator that always loves to be the catalyst for drama. She went after me about self-harming, and then completely decided she hated me after I ranted about her in my private journals. She had done a similar witchhunt against Spectre earlier in the year. She’s powerless without a group of people surrounding her, and if you’re not a fan, you must be eliminated.
Who is AJ? AJ aka Alex Lovelle/Alexander Nightshade is an ex-partner of mine that I fell for in 2014, when I was still with Kirra. Their heavily dysphoric, ableist, and anti-natalist beliefs, as well as gross treachery, led to our breakup in late 2020. They’ve been a talented catalyst, especially with how many times they’ve threatened to die spicing things up. They’re currently threatening to kill themself unless their GoFundMe goal is reached.
Who is Sage? Sage Barber is an ally to the Faerie house that first acted as an intermediary between myself and the household in 2020. When learning of how the household’s spiritual practices were how they were luring people in, Sage turned on the system and began acting as Rowan’s informant.
Who is Jane? Jane Summers lived in the Faerie house in the spring of 2020. Not only did she witness much of what had happened to me, but also played her own games and agendas within the house– some of them being dangerous and violating. She enjoyed a brief alliance with me in autumn and winter of 2021 before she was caught seeking out a conversation with Rowan.
Who are “Casey” and Cotton? Casey and Cotton are mentioned often as best friends of mine who have witnessed much of Kirra’s abuse. They have the unique position of having been privy to the ‘other world’ (inworld) and ‘dubiously real friends’ before I realised that I was part of a system. They’re also both valuable for the hilarious commentary, unwavering support, and insight they can provide.
What is the primary goal of this blog? People with mental illnesses that cause them to question reality, such as people on the schiz, disassociative, psych, and bipolar spectrums are more susceptible to be brainwashed into cults. This has happened to me personally at least twice. More likely, three. I know I’m not the only one, especially after hearing about the infamous Final Fantasy House. I’m not even the only one that’s been the victim of Rowan, Arkady, and Vali. I’ve spent most of my life in shame of my ‘other world’ and friends that may or may not be real, and taken advantage of because I didn’t know what was going on. I’m not letting that happen again, to myself or anyone else.
Any more questions/comments? Feel free to contact us at Livingfictionblogs@gmail.com.